As the title of this post suggests things are not exactly ideal. I feel as if my life has quickly taken a turn for the worst, but at the same time it has all been a gradual process that has led me to this hopelessness I now feel. The audition I have previously mentioned in earlier posts? The Ryerson one? The one I felt so confident about, the school that I really enjoyed, the place that really felt like home, didn't accept me. "Your audition was not as competitive as others." Thaaaankkks. So that's fine. I cried for a day and got over it. This is the theatre business after all. So now I await news back from York University. Might I remind you that it is May 16 and the university application centre requires my decision by the 2nd of June. I feel as if York has no intention of accepting me, or even declining me anytime soon. So needless to say this wait alone is killing me. My entire future is in limbo, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse my 18th birthday is fast approaching. But that's not the only special thing about June 3rd. This day doubles as the day I am due to move out of my parents' house after a few select brutal fights.
This may not seem like something to be posting on the internet, but I'm not concerned that anyone of serious consequence is going to read this. The only way to see this as a bright situation is to continue to tell myself that this kind of hardship builds character. Yet deep within, my heart is broken to think that my life is coming to this: a failed teenager with what was once a bright future is now moving out of the house after being to difficult for anyone to handle. This is...... not what I pictured. Not what I dreamed or hoped for. To say the least. And what am I going to do about it? Wait. I guess.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
may 12 2011- my lovey dovey poem of the month, a little bit genius
Well the sun is shining
But you'd never know it
And you're heart's in my chest
But I'd never show it
And our house of love's been burning for awhile
But our years together doesn't make this worthwhile
And you know that I'm the one to make you smile
So in this broken house we try to re-tile
This is a fixer upper but it can be done
But after the damage, this should be fun
To renovate, and become one
The world we live in needs it's sun
And we are the fire that's been burning bright
And it usually keeps me up at night
The brilliance of this lasting doubt
Your love is my water, and there's been a drought.
But I won't kick you out.
This is your home, your place of rest
And always remember,
my heart's inside your chest.
But you'd never know it
And you're heart's in my chest
But I'd never show it
And our house of love's been burning for awhile
But our years together doesn't make this worthwhile
And you know that I'm the one to make you smile
So in this broken house we try to re-tile
This is a fixer upper but it can be done
But after the damage, this should be fun
To renovate, and become one
The world we live in needs it's sun
And we are the fire that's been burning bright
And it usually keeps me up at night
The brilliance of this lasting doubt
Your love is my water, and there's been a drought.
But I won't kick you out.
This is your home, your place of rest
And always remember,
my heart's inside your chest.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
may 10th - well the sun is shining, but you'd never know it.
I can't describe the cloud looming over me.
I feel it hover over my every action.
It's a presence I've come to deal with
With time it's become something of a friend
But only in it's prevalent familiarity.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately
Though I don't have much to think about.
After all, are these problems even real?
They seem all blown up like a camera on zoom.
Picking at imperfections of my life and amplifying the echoes of a girl going nowhere fast
And it's all creating these irrational fears
That in a few years tim I'll be in the same start that I am now.
My mind doesn't always operate in forward motions.
Lets get lost in these foreign notions of what we call dreams.
And all the others have aspirations
While I've got hesitation
Because all my life,one thing turns into another nothing.
Nothing stays with me except this dark, dark cloud.
It depicts the future that entails nothing but hard work and heart break that will never pay off.
All I can do is pay for these friends to stay just so that I don't feel lonely in the world.
But what is lonely anyways? Isn't it just facing facts that every back is turned to me, and I'll never be free?
This is gonna haunt me. This isn't the life I signed up for I want more than:
changing scenery and shifting shapes.
This life begs for someone else to do it justice.
But I'm all it's got. And it's got me all tied in knots. This world is fraught with only three kinds of people:
those that are talented, those that work hard to make a living, and those that do both.
Then there's me. I am neither.
And I am none of the above.
I hope that my elbows rub
with one of these people
so that I may feel the joy of being human again
But I've lost all sense of touch and taste what a waste
of human flesh, and eyelashes.
But I don't let anyone know
about nature's mistake, give this a break
Don't press too hard on the issue.
It's fragile and weak
Speak in code to me if you must and trust
that I need to hear the words:
your life is worth living, don't compromise it by dying.
I feel it hover over my every action.
It's a presence I've come to deal with
With time it's become something of a friend
But only in it's prevalent familiarity.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately
Though I don't have much to think about.
After all, are these problems even real?
They seem all blown up like a camera on zoom.
Picking at imperfections of my life and amplifying the echoes of a girl going nowhere fast
And it's all creating these irrational fears
That in a few years tim I'll be in the same start that I am now.
My mind doesn't always operate in forward motions.
Lets get lost in these foreign notions of what we call dreams.
And all the others have aspirations
While I've got hesitation
Because all my life,one thing turns into another nothing.
Nothing stays with me except this dark, dark cloud.
It depicts the future that entails nothing but hard work and heart break that will never pay off.
All I can do is pay for these friends to stay just so that I don't feel lonely in the world.
But what is lonely anyways? Isn't it just facing facts that every back is turned to me, and I'll never be free?
This is gonna haunt me. This isn't the life I signed up for I want more than:
changing scenery and shifting shapes.
This life begs for someone else to do it justice.
But I'm all it's got. And it's got me all tied in knots. This world is fraught with only three kinds of people:
those that are talented, those that work hard to make a living, and those that do both.
Then there's me. I am neither.
And I am none of the above.
I hope that my elbows rub
with one of these people
so that I may feel the joy of being human again
But I've lost all sense of touch and taste what a waste
of human flesh, and eyelashes.
But I don't let anyone know
about nature's mistake, give this a break
Don't press too hard on the issue.
It's fragile and weak
Speak in code to me if you must and trust
that I need to hear the words:
your life is worth living, don't compromise it by dying.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
May 6th 2011 - my feeling's on change
Change:
It's upsetting to watch
How much plans can change
Like channels on a television
Switching from program to program
But you're not in charge of the remote
You sit close, a bystander
To your surroundings
Waiting. Always waiting.
Situations arise and fall.
We make plans based on forever changing elements
We place bets on the weather
On the traffic
We use the past to predict the future
We use daily routines as a compass
But we forget that the world keeps spinning
It doens't take us into account
Still we make plans, we prepare our lives
Based on elements
It's safe to say: that these plans often fall through
But we make new ones. We formulate based on present circumstances
objects, times, places
We often forget
that maybe
There is also change
Within ourselves.
This poem was inspired by the ongoing changes of plans in terms of university and college stuff this year in grade 12. It's crazy overwhelming. I never pictured it to be this way, but changes and feelings are forever differing. I've gone through phases where I want to go to a certain school, but after a few weeks I change my mind, and weigh the costs and benefits of each place etc. It's stressful to say the least. And not to make everyone else's struggle seem trivial, but when you have things like auditions for universities it adds a whole new level to things. When you send in your grades that's all you have to do, you wait for the schools to say: well... they've got the appropriate average, send them an acceptance letter.
Theatre is a bit different. You rely on a single day, a single MINUTE to show the judges what you've got. And not going to sugar coat it: the odds aren't exactly stacked in your favour.
So herre's the kicker. My auditions are over. It's May 7, I have to send in my decision on the 2 of June.
I've been accepted to guelph (last choice) and York and Ryerson still have not "made their decision"
so... my future is in limbo right now. It's killing me. All of my friends are set for school they're in the process of sorting out residence stuff and the living arrangement details and the money. What have I done? I have sat on my butt and waited and waited and waited. Nothing. My last audition was on the 25 of april and I've been checking my application statuses every day since. I'm a nervous wreck. I just want the waiting to be over one way or another. Fingers are so very very crossed. EEEEEEEEEEEK.
It's upsetting to watch
How much plans can change
Like channels on a television
Switching from program to program
But you're not in charge of the remote
You sit close, a bystander
To your surroundings
Waiting. Always waiting.
Situations arise and fall.
We make plans based on forever changing elements
We place bets on the weather
On the traffic
We use the past to predict the future
We use daily routines as a compass
But we forget that the world keeps spinning
It doens't take us into account
Still we make plans, we prepare our lives
Based on elements
It's safe to say: that these plans often fall through
But we make new ones. We formulate based on present circumstances
objects, times, places
We often forget
that maybe
There is also change
Within ourselves.
This poem was inspired by the ongoing changes of plans in terms of university and college stuff this year in grade 12. It's crazy overwhelming. I never pictured it to be this way, but changes and feelings are forever differing. I've gone through phases where I want to go to a certain school, but after a few weeks I change my mind, and weigh the costs and benefits of each place etc. It's stressful to say the least. And not to make everyone else's struggle seem trivial, but when you have things like auditions for universities it adds a whole new level to things. When you send in your grades that's all you have to do, you wait for the schools to say: well... they've got the appropriate average, send them an acceptance letter.
Theatre is a bit different. You rely on a single day, a single MINUTE to show the judges what you've got. And not going to sugar coat it: the odds aren't exactly stacked in your favour.
So herre's the kicker. My auditions are over. It's May 7, I have to send in my decision on the 2 of June.
I've been accepted to guelph (last choice) and York and Ryerson still have not "made their decision"
so... my future is in limbo right now. It's killing me. All of my friends are set for school they're in the process of sorting out residence stuff and the living arrangement details and the money. What have I done? I have sat on my butt and waited and waited and waited. Nothing. My last audition was on the 25 of april and I've been checking my application statuses every day since. I'm a nervous wreck. I just want the waiting to be over one way or another. Fingers are so very very crossed. EEEEEEEEEEEK.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
April 28 2011 - writings of frustration
I wrote a somewhat angsty poem today, or I felt angsty while writing it. Enjoy. it's long, but do take the time to read it.
This death moves oh so slowly.
And by now you don't know me.
You just know the pain you've caused.
And you don't care
Please don't stare
It's swooning me softly.
No time to make this work
there's too much hurt
too many lies I've tried countless times to drift away into the background
But I just move backwards.
Tripping and Falling: it's the only thing I'm good at.
It hurts and you know it but you won't let go
and this is fucked because our scars don't show
move slowly
take the time to see me
properly.
you've never really lost me but you still can't manage to win
And it's because this taboo line isn't a game
If I wanted fame I would've worn this pain in my eyes
But I need to see this clearly
and clearly you can't run very far before the chains of loneliness pull you back
I tried to break them but it's useless.
I need this
I need to see your tears to know that you're still raw, still real. A human being.
As real as your cuts. I can't kiss them better.
No one can. So don't slice so deep.
Feeling real has nothing to do with the physical being.
And you can't cut your soul. stop trying.
there is a place that I visit between asleep and awake
where the angel in you holds me until my tears have dried.
but it's not enough.
because eventually reailty rears it's ugly head and reminds us both what going on here.
This viscious cycle doesn't have brakes so peddle back to when you felt alive.
find a place where contentment flows all over your hurt
and spreads like wild fire.
You'll find that place, in my chest where you used to rest your head
when we would lie silently and let our souls do the talking.
it's the only place things make sense
the only time the world really stops
time never matters there, and neither does the past
Does the beauty frighten you?
Human beings are too complex
they run from the only things in life that ring true
When given a powerful emotion they stuff it away deep within
And now I have to dig.
Shovel in hand, heart on my sleeve.
These apologies don't mean much
We've lost touch with the inner drive that wills us to be good people
This trust is broken and you've run out of glue
let's wake up and start new
It's all I've been waiting for since the beginning
but your stuck in the middle of decisions that won't release you
the demons don't rest so neither do you
and neither does this aching, this... longing.
no one adapts anymore.
these minds are too clouded and the fog feels as if it will never settle
and there's no dancing in the streets
no rain to wash away these sleepless eyes
We don't want to let go of what's good
But what's good for us anymore?
It's a loaded question and I'm out of bullets. Out of targets too.
I'm shooting blanks aimlessly
and even the barrel doesn't want to make friends with my temple.
you say your a waste
I say: a faulty investment
but after this kind of time and effort there's no turning back
No scissors or blades can't cut these ties
i'm in this for the long run
and no one can convince me otherwise.
And sure we're ill in the head and this isn't healthy in the least
but if we cut loose i'll lose the only peace of mind i've ever known
and if we didn't know the sickest betrayal we would find ourselves unfamiliar
with this beautiful bliss that we stumbled upon after we finished cutting each other.
We've been through every play in the coach's book yet the score remains in limbo
we walk a fine line of alive and dying
and you're never in the mood for this intervention
but you need to pay attention
to what your chest is screaming
don't you dare silence it before it gets to have its say
This feeling will never go away.
That's why it's called: undying love.
This death moves oh so slowly.
And by now you don't know me.
You just know the pain you've caused.
And you don't care
Please don't stare
It's swooning me softly.
No time to make this work
there's too much hurt
too many lies I've tried countless times to drift away into the background
But I just move backwards.
Tripping and Falling: it's the only thing I'm good at.
It hurts and you know it but you won't let go
and this is fucked because our scars don't show
move slowly
take the time to see me
properly.
you've never really lost me but you still can't manage to win
And it's because this taboo line isn't a game
If I wanted fame I would've worn this pain in my eyes
But I need to see this clearly
and clearly you can't run very far before the chains of loneliness pull you back
I tried to break them but it's useless.
I need this
I need to see your tears to know that you're still raw, still real. A human being.
As real as your cuts. I can't kiss them better.
No one can. So don't slice so deep.
Feeling real has nothing to do with the physical being.
And you can't cut your soul. stop trying.
there is a place that I visit between asleep and awake
where the angel in you holds me until my tears have dried.
but it's not enough.
because eventually reailty rears it's ugly head and reminds us both what going on here.
This viscious cycle doesn't have brakes so peddle back to when you felt alive.
find a place where contentment flows all over your hurt
and spreads like wild fire.
You'll find that place, in my chest where you used to rest your head
when we would lie silently and let our souls do the talking.
it's the only place things make sense
the only time the world really stops
time never matters there, and neither does the past
Does the beauty frighten you?
Human beings are too complex
they run from the only things in life that ring true
When given a powerful emotion they stuff it away deep within
And now I have to dig.
Shovel in hand, heart on my sleeve.
These apologies don't mean much
We've lost touch with the inner drive that wills us to be good people
This trust is broken and you've run out of glue
let's wake up and start new
It's all I've been waiting for since the beginning
but your stuck in the middle of decisions that won't release you
the demons don't rest so neither do you
and neither does this aching, this... longing.
no one adapts anymore.
these minds are too clouded and the fog feels as if it will never settle
and there's no dancing in the streets
no rain to wash away these sleepless eyes
We don't want to let go of what's good
But what's good for us anymore?
It's a loaded question and I'm out of bullets. Out of targets too.
I'm shooting blanks aimlessly
and even the barrel doesn't want to make friends with my temple.
you say your a waste
I say: a faulty investment
but after this kind of time and effort there's no turning back
No scissors or blades can't cut these ties
i'm in this for the long run
and no one can convince me otherwise.
And sure we're ill in the head and this isn't healthy in the least
but if we cut loose i'll lose the only peace of mind i've ever known
and if we didn't know the sickest betrayal we would find ourselves unfamiliar
with this beautiful bliss that we stumbled upon after we finished cutting each other.
We've been through every play in the coach's book yet the score remains in limbo
we walk a fine line of alive and dying
and you're never in the mood for this intervention
but you need to pay attention
to what your chest is screaming
don't you dare silence it before it gets to have its say
This feeling will never go away.
That's why it's called: undying love.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
april 24- my thoughts lately
The worms are drying up and dying on the dingy side walks. i flick cigarette ash on them as i walk by not giving a care. i sing as i walk the streets. and hold a recorder to my lips like a reporter. and no one thinks twice as i talk to myself.
Well these are the conversations we have when left to our own devices. this is the way we act the way we choose to be. it feels like mischievous ecstasy. and its a prequel to the rest of our lives.
tid bits i wrote while out walking today. it was really lovely weather outside for once. for once. it's april and the weather has been positively dreadful. and so has my mood. I think i have seasonal affective disorder. I have since i was young. for as long as i can remember when there is snow on the ground i'm not a happy camper. maybe when i was little like in grade four. but grade five and on has been dreadful in the winter months.
for instance this weather lately has been bipolar. warm one day cold the next. so that's how i've felt lately. Except there's been an exceptionally large cloud over my head the past few months.
The thing is, I can't put a name to it. I can't explain what it is I'm having such a hard time with. I mean...*sighs, tries to collect thoughts*
I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. This whole university deal is slowly killing me. there was a period of time where it was all just sheer excitement. that was the only emotion I felt. i was ready to go out and start my life on my own in a new school new environment. I still am... but this whole school thing is what worries me. The theatre school that I desire to attend is... well... prestigious. A big deal lets' say. And difficult to get in to. Not impossible. Just difficult. and i've got what it takes I know I do, i just need to start being more confident. I know i've got that special something. It's just the job of translating what I've got into a language these theatre profs understand. I've got this. I hope. Fingers crossed. Nothing more creative to say.
Well these are the conversations we have when left to our own devices. this is the way we act the way we choose to be. it feels like mischievous ecstasy. and its a prequel to the rest of our lives.
tid bits i wrote while out walking today. it was really lovely weather outside for once. for once. it's april and the weather has been positively dreadful. and so has my mood. I think i have seasonal affective disorder. I have since i was young. for as long as i can remember when there is snow on the ground i'm not a happy camper. maybe when i was little like in grade four. but grade five and on has been dreadful in the winter months.
for instance this weather lately has been bipolar. warm one day cold the next. so that's how i've felt lately. Except there's been an exceptionally large cloud over my head the past few months.
The thing is, I can't put a name to it. I can't explain what it is I'm having such a hard time with. I mean...*sighs, tries to collect thoughts*
I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. This whole university deal is slowly killing me. there was a period of time where it was all just sheer excitement. that was the only emotion I felt. i was ready to go out and start my life on my own in a new school new environment. I still am... but this whole school thing is what worries me. The theatre school that I desire to attend is... well... prestigious. A big deal lets' say. And difficult to get in to. Not impossible. Just difficult. and i've got what it takes I know I do, i just need to start being more confident. I know i've got that special something. It's just the job of translating what I've got into a language these theatre profs understand. I've got this. I hope. Fingers crossed. Nothing more creative to say.
Friday, April 15, 2011
April 15 2011 - My psychological peak
I don't know what it is about this time of month, no... I'm not talking about my menstruation (shivers). My best pieces of poetry are written on the 15th 16th and 17th of every month. I call it my psychological peak. I don't know what it is about the middle of the month that makes my writing so good. But this morning I started writing great lines and couldn't stop. Anyways, here's what I did today, I'll post more tomorrow.
your motivations lately
have been speaking to me
about the way you are inside
the nasty traits you try to hide
your selfishness your lack of sense
your lack of self
what am I going to do with this
this beating in my chest
there is no rest for the lonely
there is no rest for the loving
only the loved.
this isn't a job we lovers choose
we don't pick the innocent way out
we don't choose to be gentle, to be kind
it's the way we were designed
i'm a lover, not a fighter
so it's only natural that when i see you
you evoke an emotion in me
that so often slips below the radar
it can stay there
like a dormant flower indifferent to when it shall bloom
when the time is right i would suspect.
but until then you'll never catch me
loving you.
you'll never quite put a finger on what it is you feel
I'll make you question what's real
what's not, and what is meant to be.
but let's not use cliches
I've never really been one for those
just know that I chose
your own happiness
over mine.
your motivations lately
have been speaking to me
about the way you are inside
the nasty traits you try to hide
your selfishness your lack of sense
your lack of self
what am I going to do with this
this beating in my chest
there is no rest for the lonely
there is no rest for the loving
only the loved.
this isn't a job we lovers choose
we don't pick the innocent way out
we don't choose to be gentle, to be kind
it's the way we were designed
i'm a lover, not a fighter
so it's only natural that when i see you
you evoke an emotion in me
that so often slips below the radar
it can stay there
like a dormant flower indifferent to when it shall bloom
when the time is right i would suspect.
but until then you'll never catch me
loving you.
you'll never quite put a finger on what it is you feel
I'll make you question what's real
what's not, and what is meant to be.
but let's not use cliches
I've never really been one for those
just know that I chose
your own happiness
over mine.
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