I wrote a somewhat angsty poem today, or I felt angsty while writing it. Enjoy. it's long, but do take the time to read it.
This death moves oh so slowly.
And by now you don't know me.
You just know the pain you've caused.
And you don't care
Please don't stare
It's swooning me softly.
No time to make this work
there's too much hurt
too many lies I've tried countless times to drift away into the background
But I just move backwards.
Tripping and Falling: it's the only thing I'm good at.
It hurts and you know it but you won't let go
and this is fucked because our scars don't show
move slowly
take the time to see me
properly.
you've never really lost me but you still can't manage to win
And it's because this taboo line isn't a game
If I wanted fame I would've worn this pain in my eyes
But I need to see this clearly
and clearly you can't run very far before the chains of loneliness pull you back
I tried to break them but it's useless.
I need this
I need to see your tears to know that you're still raw, still real. A human being.
As real as your cuts. I can't kiss them better.
No one can. So don't slice so deep.
Feeling real has nothing to do with the physical being.
And you can't cut your soul. stop trying.
there is a place that I visit between asleep and awake
where the angel in you holds me until my tears have dried.
but it's not enough.
because eventually reailty rears it's ugly head and reminds us both what going on here.
This viscious cycle doesn't have brakes so peddle back to when you felt alive.
find a place where contentment flows all over your hurt
and spreads like wild fire.
You'll find that place, in my chest where you used to rest your head
when we would lie silently and let our souls do the talking.
it's the only place things make sense
the only time the world really stops
time never matters there, and neither does the past
Does the beauty frighten you?
Human beings are too complex
they run from the only things in life that ring true
When given a powerful emotion they stuff it away deep within
And now I have to dig.
Shovel in hand, heart on my sleeve.
These apologies don't mean much
We've lost touch with the inner drive that wills us to be good people
This trust is broken and you've run out of glue
let's wake up and start new
It's all I've been waiting for since the beginning
but your stuck in the middle of decisions that won't release you
the demons don't rest so neither do you
and neither does this aching, this... longing.
no one adapts anymore.
these minds are too clouded and the fog feels as if it will never settle
and there's no dancing in the streets
no rain to wash away these sleepless eyes
We don't want to let go of what's good
But what's good for us anymore?
It's a loaded question and I'm out of bullets. Out of targets too.
I'm shooting blanks aimlessly
and even the barrel doesn't want to make friends with my temple.
you say your a waste
I say: a faulty investment
but after this kind of time and effort there's no turning back
No scissors or blades can't cut these ties
i'm in this for the long run
and no one can convince me otherwise.
And sure we're ill in the head and this isn't healthy in the least
but if we cut loose i'll lose the only peace of mind i've ever known
and if we didn't know the sickest betrayal we would find ourselves unfamiliar
with this beautiful bliss that we stumbled upon after we finished cutting each other.
We've been through every play in the coach's book yet the score remains in limbo
we walk a fine line of alive and dying
and you're never in the mood for this intervention
but you need to pay attention
to what your chest is screaming
don't you dare silence it before it gets to have its say
This feeling will never go away.
That's why it's called: undying love.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
april 24- my thoughts lately
The worms are drying up and dying on the dingy side walks. i flick cigarette ash on them as i walk by not giving a care. i sing as i walk the streets. and hold a recorder to my lips like a reporter. and no one thinks twice as i talk to myself.
Well these are the conversations we have when left to our own devices. this is the way we act the way we choose to be. it feels like mischievous ecstasy. and its a prequel to the rest of our lives.
tid bits i wrote while out walking today. it was really lovely weather outside for once. for once. it's april and the weather has been positively dreadful. and so has my mood. I think i have seasonal affective disorder. I have since i was young. for as long as i can remember when there is snow on the ground i'm not a happy camper. maybe when i was little like in grade four. but grade five and on has been dreadful in the winter months.
for instance this weather lately has been bipolar. warm one day cold the next. so that's how i've felt lately. Except there's been an exceptionally large cloud over my head the past few months.
The thing is, I can't put a name to it. I can't explain what it is I'm having such a hard time with. I mean...*sighs, tries to collect thoughts*
I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. This whole university deal is slowly killing me. there was a period of time where it was all just sheer excitement. that was the only emotion I felt. i was ready to go out and start my life on my own in a new school new environment. I still am... but this whole school thing is what worries me. The theatre school that I desire to attend is... well... prestigious. A big deal lets' say. And difficult to get in to. Not impossible. Just difficult. and i've got what it takes I know I do, i just need to start being more confident. I know i've got that special something. It's just the job of translating what I've got into a language these theatre profs understand. I've got this. I hope. Fingers crossed. Nothing more creative to say.
Well these are the conversations we have when left to our own devices. this is the way we act the way we choose to be. it feels like mischievous ecstasy. and its a prequel to the rest of our lives.
tid bits i wrote while out walking today. it was really lovely weather outside for once. for once. it's april and the weather has been positively dreadful. and so has my mood. I think i have seasonal affective disorder. I have since i was young. for as long as i can remember when there is snow on the ground i'm not a happy camper. maybe when i was little like in grade four. but grade five and on has been dreadful in the winter months.
for instance this weather lately has been bipolar. warm one day cold the next. so that's how i've felt lately. Except there's been an exceptionally large cloud over my head the past few months.
The thing is, I can't put a name to it. I can't explain what it is I'm having such a hard time with. I mean...*sighs, tries to collect thoughts*
I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. This whole university deal is slowly killing me. there was a period of time where it was all just sheer excitement. that was the only emotion I felt. i was ready to go out and start my life on my own in a new school new environment. I still am... but this whole school thing is what worries me. The theatre school that I desire to attend is... well... prestigious. A big deal lets' say. And difficult to get in to. Not impossible. Just difficult. and i've got what it takes I know I do, i just need to start being more confident. I know i've got that special something. It's just the job of translating what I've got into a language these theatre profs understand. I've got this. I hope. Fingers crossed. Nothing more creative to say.
Friday, April 15, 2011
April 15 2011 - My psychological peak
I don't know what it is about this time of month, no... I'm not talking about my menstruation (shivers). My best pieces of poetry are written on the 15th 16th and 17th of every month. I call it my psychological peak. I don't know what it is about the middle of the month that makes my writing so good. But this morning I started writing great lines and couldn't stop. Anyways, here's what I did today, I'll post more tomorrow.
your motivations lately
have been speaking to me
about the way you are inside
the nasty traits you try to hide
your selfishness your lack of sense
your lack of self
what am I going to do with this
this beating in my chest
there is no rest for the lonely
there is no rest for the loving
only the loved.
this isn't a job we lovers choose
we don't pick the innocent way out
we don't choose to be gentle, to be kind
it's the way we were designed
i'm a lover, not a fighter
so it's only natural that when i see you
you evoke an emotion in me
that so often slips below the radar
it can stay there
like a dormant flower indifferent to when it shall bloom
when the time is right i would suspect.
but until then you'll never catch me
loving you.
you'll never quite put a finger on what it is you feel
I'll make you question what's real
what's not, and what is meant to be.
but let's not use cliches
I've never really been one for those
just know that I chose
your own happiness
over mine.
your motivations lately
have been speaking to me
about the way you are inside
the nasty traits you try to hide
your selfishness your lack of sense
your lack of self
what am I going to do with this
this beating in my chest
there is no rest for the lonely
there is no rest for the loving
only the loved.
this isn't a job we lovers choose
we don't pick the innocent way out
we don't choose to be gentle, to be kind
it's the way we were designed
i'm a lover, not a fighter
so it's only natural that when i see you
you evoke an emotion in me
that so often slips below the radar
it can stay there
like a dormant flower indifferent to when it shall bloom
when the time is right i would suspect.
but until then you'll never catch me
loving you.
you'll never quite put a finger on what it is you feel
I'll make you question what's real
what's not, and what is meant to be.
but let's not use cliches
I've never really been one for those
just know that I chose
your own happiness
over mine.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
April 12 2011 - We don't always get our way, but that's okay
your motivations lately
have been speaking to me
about the way you are inside
the nasty traits you try to hide
your selfishness your lack of sense
your lack of self
what am I going to do with this
this beating in my chest
there is no rest for the lonely
there is no rest for the loving
only the loved.
this isn't a job we lovers choose
we don't pick the innocent way out
we don't choose to be gentle, to be kind
it's the way we were designed
i'm a lover, not a fighter
so it's only natural that when i see you
you evoke an emotion in me
that so often slips below the radar
it can stay there
like a dormant flower indifferent to when it shall bloom
when the time is right i would suspect.
but until then you'll never catch me
loving you.
you'll never quite put a finger on what it is you feel
I'll make you question what's real
what's not, and what is meant to be.
but let's not use cliches
I've never really been one for those
just know that I chose
your own happiness
over mine.
have been speaking to me
about the way you are inside
the nasty traits you try to hide
your selfishness your lack of sense
your lack of self
what am I going to do with this
this beating in my chest
there is no rest for the lonely
there is no rest for the loving
only the loved.
this isn't a job we lovers choose
we don't pick the innocent way out
we don't choose to be gentle, to be kind
it's the way we were designed
i'm a lover, not a fighter
so it's only natural that when i see you
you evoke an emotion in me
that so often slips below the radar
it can stay there
like a dormant flower indifferent to when it shall bloom
when the time is right i would suspect.
but until then you'll never catch me
loving you.
you'll never quite put a finger on what it is you feel
I'll make you question what's real
what's not, and what is meant to be.
but let's not use cliches
I've never really been one for those
just know that I chose
your own happiness
over mine.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
April 6 2011 - I found this in a notebook. A treasure you know.
All I want, is for a complete stranger to come up to me on the street, grab me by the throat, kiss my lips and look me deep in my big blue eyes and say: I might hurt you, but it will feel so fucking good, that it will be worth all the pain you've endured from this world, just to feel me close to you.
I wrote this a little while ago. Perhaps it was a key concept in my discovery that when it comes to love, no human being is perfect. Not everyone wants to be romantically swept off their feet into a dream world that they secretly know does not exist. I don't want someone that tries to promise me the impossible "I won't hurt you". I want someone that knows that love hurts, that people hurt people. I know that. I've learned that the hard way and we should all learn that lesson before we can properly learn to love. Sometimes we do hurt the people we love most.
I might hurt you, but it will feel so fucking good, that it will be worth all the pain you've endured from this world, just to feel me close to you.
I wrote this a little while ago. Perhaps it was a key concept in my discovery that when it comes to love, no human being is perfect. Not everyone wants to be romantically swept off their feet into a dream world that they secretly know does not exist. I don't want someone that tries to promise me the impossible "I won't hurt you". I want someone that knows that love hurts, that people hurt people. I know that. I've learned that the hard way and we should all learn that lesson before we can properly learn to love. Sometimes we do hurt the people we love most.
I might hurt you, but it will feel so fucking good, that it will be worth all the pain you've endured from this world, just to feel me close to you.
April 6, 2011- Why focus on class work?
Lately a friend and I have been discussing highschool relationships, and the couples in our school. I argue the point that all of them are doomed, doomed from the start. Some of us haven't even physically developped as an adult, how does anyone expect themselves to be mentally developped enough at this age to have a real relationship, take it seriously, while still maintaining themselves and not compromising who they are? If I myself hadn't gone through this exact described situation I would deem it impossible. However maybe these doomed love birds need to go through the connection with another human being, and the loss of self in order to gain the maturity required to do the opposite. As I mentioned, that's what happened to me, and I like to think that now after a trainwreck longterm highschool relationship, I've got this figured out.
Problem is... not everyone makes it through all of these steps. We don't always care about the person enough to stick around after you've departed from the dating train.
What is wrong with society? Why are we living in a world that is practically cramming the subte concepts of polygamy down our throats? As teenagers we are expected (in the most watered down of ways) to care deeply for someone one day, and let go of them the next.
If you haven't noticed this allow me to elaborate.
It's not "he likes me" anymore.
it's "he likes me but he only wants to have sex, he likes me but he doesn't want a relationship, he likes me but he can't commit"
he likes me.. but....
We as teenagers are expected to accept this, to fool around with someone because "that's just what teenagers do" (it all started with a viscious cycle of which the origin is unknown). But note that... this fooling around should remain completely seperate from the possibility of developping feelings for the person.
You're no longer dating someone, you could be say... in an open relationship, you could be having a fling, you could be having a thing, you could be "together" but not "officically" ( fuck you facebook). things could be "complicated", why? Why can't things just be plain and simple?
Teenager Emotions are a very confusing and delicate aspect that only adds to the stress of highschool life.
Care about someone one day, but if the two of you ever break up, forget they existed. Period.
I am regrettful but also delighted to say I am not like this. Just another area of life where I do not fit the typical teenager mold so to speak.
Regardless of how much time you spend with a person, when specific romantic feelings arise, they should not decrease or increase the legitimacy of your connection to a person (note that I use the word connection rather than relationship).
So back to my beginning topic: couples. Are they doomed in highschool? Lets admit that the likelihood of the two highschool sweethearts staying together has decreased since our parents went to highschool. So what changed?
I mean besides everything, besides the technology? Or is it the technology, has technology somehow sneakily ruined our human connections with each other? I can't see any other logical explanation. What's next?
Problem is... not everyone makes it through all of these steps. We don't always care about the person enough to stick around after you've departed from the dating train.
What is wrong with society? Why are we living in a world that is practically cramming the subte concepts of polygamy down our throats? As teenagers we are expected (in the most watered down of ways) to care deeply for someone one day, and let go of them the next.
If you haven't noticed this allow me to elaborate.
It's not "he likes me" anymore.
it's "he likes me but he only wants to have sex, he likes me but he doesn't want a relationship, he likes me but he can't commit"
he likes me.. but....
We as teenagers are expected to accept this, to fool around with someone because "that's just what teenagers do" (it all started with a viscious cycle of which the origin is unknown). But note that... this fooling around should remain completely seperate from the possibility of developping feelings for the person.
You're no longer dating someone, you could be say... in an open relationship, you could be having a fling, you could be having a thing, you could be "together" but not "officically" ( fuck you facebook). things could be "complicated", why? Why can't things just be plain and simple?
Teenager Emotions are a very confusing and delicate aspect that only adds to the stress of highschool life.
Care about someone one day, but if the two of you ever break up, forget they existed. Period.
I am regrettful but also delighted to say I am not like this. Just another area of life where I do not fit the typical teenager mold so to speak.
Regardless of how much time you spend with a person, when specific romantic feelings arise, they should not decrease or increase the legitimacy of your connection to a person (note that I use the word connection rather than relationship).
So back to my beginning topic: couples. Are they doomed in highschool? Lets admit that the likelihood of the two highschool sweethearts staying together has decreased since our parents went to highschool. So what changed?
I mean besides everything, besides the technology? Or is it the technology, has technology somehow sneakily ruined our human connections with each other? I can't see any other logical explanation. What's next?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
April 5 2011 - Lazy Day
I don't think I've done homework all semester. I say to myself what's the point? I'm just going through the motions of a grade twelve student itching to leave. I skim through class taking notes but not absorbing any information. My mind is too busy with thoughts of next year. Waiting, forever waiting. Waiting to attend my final university audition to just get it over with already. Waiting to hear back from other universities so I can start making my decision. Waiting for grade twelve to be over. Waiting for the summer to be over, to make ... you know... another fresh start. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to begin. Everyone tells me, things will get better once you move away, start over, meet new people. What if things aren't better? Why are people teaching me to run? That may a bit of an exaggeration but for the most part let's get to what we're really talking about here. I thought I could be happy regardless of my situation, regardless of where I am and what I'm doing, I'm supposed to be happy aren't I? I want to be happy now, and I'm having such a hard time, so I'll turn these next few lazy days into unstopping work. Housework, homework, and just plan work. Just submiss myself into the motions until summer, and soon enough September are finally here. Hopefully I can take my small victories of joy in the last few routines I have to perform in this dingy place. I love you highschool, but... but I really don't.
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