april 24- my thoughts lately

The worms are drying up and dying on the dingy side walks. i flick cigarette ash on them as i walk by not giving a care. i sing as i walk the streets. and hold a recorder to my lips like a reporter. and no one thinks twice as i talk to myself.

Well these are the conversations we have when left to our own devices. this is the way we act the way we choose to be. it feels like mischievous ecstasy. and its a prequel to the rest of our lives.

tid bits i wrote while out walking today. it was really lovely weather outside for once. for once. it's april and the weather has been positively dreadful. and so has my mood.  I think i have seasonal affective disorder. I have since i was young. for as long as i can remember when there is snow on the ground i'm not a happy camper. maybe when i was little like in grade four. but grade five and on has been dreadful in the winter months.

for instance this weather lately has been bipolar. warm one day cold the next. so that's how i've felt lately. Except there's been an exceptionally large cloud over my head the past few months.

The thing is, I can't put a name to it. I can't explain what it is I'm having such a hard time with. I mean...*sighs, tries to collect thoughts*
I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. This whole university deal is slowly killing me. there was a period of time where it was all just sheer excitement. that was the only emotion I felt. i was ready to go out and start my life on my own in a new school new environment. I still am... but this whole school thing is what worries me. The theatre school that I desire to attend is... well... prestigious. A big deal lets' say. And difficult to get in to. Not impossible. Just difficult. and i've got what it takes I know I do, i just need to start being more confident. I know i've got that special something. It's just the job of translating what I've got into a language these theatre profs understand. I've got this. I hope. Fingers crossed. Nothing more creative to say.